he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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