hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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