I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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