dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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