I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you mean i was at the winter classic?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
