i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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