I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
