Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
