Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
