There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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