She announced her abortion via fbk
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
