this beer tastes like vomit already
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
