roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
