I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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