My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
