my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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