In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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