The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
