Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
