I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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