you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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