I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
