I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
