I'm so fucking centered right now
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
