I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
