I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
