They should really pass out barf bags in church
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
