I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
