checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
