Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
