"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
