Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
