I just gift wrapped bread.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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