About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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