i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
