Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
You ruined the universe
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
