I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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