We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
