Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
