is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
