did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I cockslap morals
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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