Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
