i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
