the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
The uberlube is also flammable
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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