I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
