the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
