Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I checked into jail on foursquare
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
