If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
you inspire me to be a worse person
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
