I wish I could teleport
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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