she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
